Launchpad McQuack - Costar of Ducktales and Darkwing Duck, Launchpad was that standard cartoon character who wasn't to bright, but usually came through in the clutch. Launchpad has the distinction of being one of the few Disney characters to ever change. Launchpad left his cushy job as Scrooge McDuck's pilot to life to become Darkwing Duck's personal bitch. Let's take a closer look at Launchpad.

Scrooge McDuck had enough money to get away with wearing that ridiculous top hat. Obviously he could afford a pilot who didn't crash the god damn plane every time he tried to land it. Still, he ended up with Launchpad McQuack. I guess Scrooge was sold on the fact the guy wears aviator goggles all the time. I  know I would have been.

Side note #1: If I had enough money to swim in, one of the first things I'd do is buy a menagire of farm animals in top hats.

Back to the issue at hand though. If Scrooge had so much money, you think he would hire someone better then Launchpad "JFK Jr." McQuack. But for some reason Scrooge would never fire him. Maybe Launchpad had some dirt on ole' Pennybags. I don't know about you, but the first time my pilot stranded me  in some lost prehistoric era land I'd fire his ass, even if I did meet a caveman and triceratops who showed me the true meaning of friendship. 

No discussion on Launchpad would be complete without bringing up his androgynous sidekick thing Doofus. I guess if you name your kid Doofus you're starting he/she/it out with two strikes right there. But when Doofus' parents never got him GI Joe or My Little Pony, Doofus took strike 3 harder then Sosa ever has. I think he led the Duck Scouts are something stupid like that. His real function was to make kids feel better about themselves. Just look at it! Great Dana Plato's ghost that thing's ugly!

Side note #2 - I just realized Ducktales is the only Disney show without a girl I'd bang. Oh wait - Mrs. Beagelsly. Nevermind.

Launchpad's job essentially boiled down to chauffeuring Scrooge's 3 annoying nephews around in a god damn bi-plane - and he would he would even screw that up. Not get the kids to school late screw up, he'd get them all in deep shit with underground blob people. And he still kept his job, his room in a mansion, and he got to hang out with one of the coolest guys ever - GizmoDuck! Whenever I used to watch Ducktales, I would basically do it in hopes it'd be an episode with Gizmoduck (note: Gizmoduck was disqualified from the tournament, just because I wanted to make sure it was fair. If Gizmoduck got a spot, there wouldnt' be much of a contest would there?).  Gotta hand it to the geniuses at Disney. Their show was getting clobbered in the ratings so they invent a superhero duck on a damn unicycle with more toys then Bill Gates kid and less control over his body then Christopher Reeve. I'm telling you, those guys are fucking geniuses. But Launchpad left anyway. My guess is Scrooge caught him taking pictures of Webbigail in the shower. But then again, I like to explain everything from why the sky is blue to my dislike of chicken with child molestation, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

So now Launchpad relocated to St. Canard and got a job as Darkwing Duck's sidekick. Darkwing had what I call Inspector Gadget syndrome in that despite his badassness, he never actually solved a crime. His daughter Gosalyn and the neighbor's nerdy kid whose name eludes me did everything. I think part of the reason Launchpad moved was that next to Darkwing Duck, a down syndrome kid looks like a fuckin' Einstein. The PR move payed off and Launchpad came off looking slightly competent. Plus he got to pilot a giant plane that looked like a duck's bill and was called the ThunderQuack. That can never be a bag thing.

Sidenote #3 - Launchpad was actually supposed to get his own spinoff, but that fell through. I guess to fulfill contractual obligations with an animated duck, they gave him a spot on Darkwing Duck's new show. Now you have something to talk about next time the conversation hits a lull.

Conclusion:
Launchpad is deceptively dangerous. I mean, even though he dresses like a 30's aviator, you can't take your eyes off the simple bastard. He's obviously got the advantage of knowing Gizmoduck and piloting a plane called the ThunderQuack. That alone could be huge, much like our next competitor... 

Wesley Willis - What can you say about this guy? If you don't know about Wesley Willis, do yourself and the world a favor and sign on Napster now and get anything and everything you can by the man. I'll try to introduce him best I can, but words can't do this man justice.

 Wesley is schizophrenic. Now I don't mean that in the sense that Police Academy movies are retarded. Wesley is actually a card carrying schizo. He writes songs that are so random they will make you pound your head against a wall and question the existence of god. I know I had a lot to say about Launchpad, but he makes sense. I can't even begin to decipher the enigma that is Wesley Willis. Keep in mind Launchpad is a cartoon duck who flies airplanes, and Wesley Willis is a flesh and blood man-thing. Just download any Wesley Willis song (I recommend Rock and Roll McDonalds) and begin to question everything you believe. This guy makes about as much sense as Pink Flloyd's The Wall does without drugs.

Conclusion:
I'm pretty sure Wesley was homeless for a time. In my world of stereotypes, that means he had to fight over booze every night with the other bums who live underneath the streets in what us topsiders refer to as "Bum-topia". That fact combined with his simply massive weight, Welsey should be considered a force to be reckoned with.

Oh man, it just hit me I'm going to have to choose who would in a fight between Wesley Willis and Launchpad McQuack. This is tough. Even though Wesley is more random then your average episode of Teletubbies, the nod has to go to Launchpad. I remember this one episode where Launchpad single-handedly rescued Darkwing and Gosalyn from Megavolt. Until I see Wesley Willis rescue a superhero duck and his adopted daughter from a dog who shoots electricity, Launchpad gets the W. Launchpad advances to the next round.

I suppose the obvious argument here is "But Wesley kicked Superman's and Batman's ass as chronicled in his epic songs "I Whupped Batman's Ass" and "I Whupped Superman's Ass". Hey asshole - Superman and Batman are make believe. Dumbass. Don't waste my time. It's obviously very precious, I have to write about how Launchpad can kick a man with a mental disease's ass!